Ok, is this really what I wanted? I got another fill on Thursday I'm up to 8ml out of 14. But I found out that you can actually fill past 14 if needed. In fact the rep that sells the band told the nurse working with me that they have filled it up to 100ml and it didn't rupture. So I think I'm really close to my sweet spot. I'm getting major restriction with the food that the told me to expect to have trouble with pizza, breads, soft or sticky stuff.
I think I just ate my last piece of pizza. I had it about an hour ago and I feel like I ate the whole pizza. It starts as just a heartburn feeling but continues on to a bloated, burping, back pain festival. This is what I have been waiting for? Forced will power as I have been calling it. I know I can't sustain will power on my own, so this is my goal.
But I'm sad that I won't be able to eat pizza or a Krispe Kreme donut or a bagel or a muffin again. As I write this I know it sounds ridiculous...why should I be sad over food? But those of you who have the relationship I do with food; the people who live to eat not eat to live, will understand me. This begining time is a training time and I'll have to learn a whole new way to eat. It's the change that I need to do, but the surgery alone is just the begining. I think I'll head back in to counseling soon to deal with the issues other than food. My body image, my abuse of food, my self sabatoge. All I can say is, it's damn time. And most days I'm ready.
1 comment:
Kim, I can only imagine what you are going through. My heart is with you, and I am keeping you lifted up. I applaud you for your courage...I honestly don't know if I could do what you are doing. Just remember that "the girls" are all behind you and are here whenever you need us! Cyndi
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