Had some hard memories come up in the last day. Yesterday at work a (chubby) 11 yr. old came in with her (skinny) 9 year old sister for a physical. As she went to get on the scale in the hallway. Her sister said your going to break it. When her Dad saw the number 135 at 5ft. He said "Jesus....you gotta do something about that"....I cringed and remembered that feeling of shame.
This am at Yoga, Maryann tried to help me get into a headstand...I just don't have the upper body and core strength to do it yet. I said next year...but throughout the rest of the class I had a bad memory. Back in 2000 I was doing yoga when I got pregnant with Jadon. I went to a sub. OBGYN for my first visit. I asked him if I could keep doing yoga while I'm pregnant. He laughed at me and said "you do yoga....your too big, if you stand on your head you'll break your neck. First of all he didn't really know what yoga is. It's not all about standing on your head. And 2nd of all as a Dr. he should have been encouraging me to exercise not laughing at me.
At the end of class I told my classmates the story and of course everyone was mortified and supported me. Maryann said she'd help me take baby steps and I could do a headstand eventually.
I had a good cry on the way home...I guess just letting some of the shame of being fat. When I do yoga she has us breathe out the bad stuff and inhale the good stuff. So in my head I think out with shame in with pride. I know this sounds like a little new age foo foo. But I really think of it as a prayer to release the bad yucky stuff of being a fat child and embracing my self as I am and being proud of what I'm doing to change myself. Some therapists etc. would say that people hold onto fat to protect themselves. I know I don't consciously do that....but I know this time I lose weight it has to be different. I have to let go of that shame and be proud of myself. I need to KNOW I deserve to be healthy, look good etc. OK enough with blog therapy...gotta go clean the house.
3 comments:
Of course you deserve to be healthy! And, look at all the incredible things you are doing to achieve it. You have three active children, you work, you support your husband in his career, you exercise nearly every day, and you're fundamentally changing the way you eat [and live]. That's really amazing and you should feel free to give yourself some major credit. Look at the progress you've made so far. Hang in there --everyone is rooting for you!
[And hang on to that yoga teacher -- she sounds like a real find.]
KG
Ok, I want that Dad's address so I can go kick his butt. I'm five ft. tall and when I weighed 135lbs I looked pretty good. People are so ignorant (that dumb doctor included!!!). I can't imagine how I would have responded to that doctor!!!
I am 53 and still taking comments too personal and still judge myself too harshly. These are the patterns that we need to break if we are to find any confidence in what God has poured into us. You deserve any good thing that comes your way. All good things are sent from heaven above..
Post a Comment