Because letting it all out is really the purpose of this blog...I can't let a comment go that a friend said to me almost 48 hr. ago. And even if she reads this I still need to blog about it. It's relevance to how my brain works is the real reason, not for any embarrassment, or wanting an apology etc.
Anyway she said "you look the same". Silly I know, nothing mean like "you're still really fat". I have had at least a dozen people say they can tell I'm losing weight. And I can tell I'm losing weight, my clothes are looser. I feel better. My scale proves it. 17lb. in one month. That's really good and I'm not even adjusted all the way. So I know I'm doing a good job. But that one negative comment festered in my brain and turned into "you're a failure, it's not working, it's not going to work, you'll always be fat, your not losing weight." I don't know why those negative thoughts float around in my brain like that. I don't even think twice about the positive things people have said.
As I sit here, I'm remembering other mean things people have throughout my life... as an adult ,a group of teenagers at a library warning me not to pop my tires, or "eat" all those books in one sitting...6th grade a boy walked by my desk and unprovoked says "your fat"...Ms. Ann the bufonted dance teacher taking my measurements in front of all the kids saying "you need to be more like her",pointing to the kid who was skin and bones, my childhood nickname...bushel butt while my sisters was bony maroney. Those things stick with me and may be part of the reason I've held on to this weight. I'd come to believe all those thoughts, that I failed, that I can't lose the weight. So I know it's much more about then food I eat. It's also about the thoughts I think.
So no matter what the comments are, mean or just unintended or thoughtless...I know that I control what it turns into in my head. Just like I'm learning to control what I put in my mouth. I'll be learning new things to put in my head also. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I'm ready.
Anyway she said "you look the same". Silly I know, nothing mean like "you're still really fat". I have had at least a dozen people say they can tell I'm losing weight. And I can tell I'm losing weight, my clothes are looser. I feel better. My scale proves it. 17lb. in one month. That's really good and I'm not even adjusted all the way. So I know I'm doing a good job. But that one negative comment festered in my brain and turned into "you're a failure, it's not working, it's not going to work, you'll always be fat, your not losing weight." I don't know why those negative thoughts float around in my brain like that. I don't even think twice about the positive things people have said.
As I sit here, I'm remembering other mean things people have throughout my life... as an adult ,a group of teenagers at a library warning me not to pop my tires, or "eat" all those books in one sitting...6th grade a boy walked by my desk and unprovoked says "your fat"...Ms. Ann the bufonted dance teacher taking my measurements in front of all the kids saying "you need to be more like her",pointing to the kid who was skin and bones, my childhood nickname...bushel butt while my sisters was bony maroney. Those things stick with me and may be part of the reason I've held on to this weight. I'd come to believe all those thoughts, that I failed, that I can't lose the weight. So I know it's much more about then food I eat. It's also about the thoughts I think.
So no matter what the comments are, mean or just unintended or thoughtless...I know that I control what it turns into in my head. Just like I'm learning to control what I put in my mouth. I'll be learning new things to put in my head also. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I'm ready.
1 comment:
Most likely what Paul was writing about in Romans 12:2 when he said to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Erase the old tape and rerecord! You're God's beloved! And we love you, too. We should talk about this sometime in our women's group - what tapes do we have that we need to rerecorded 'cause we've all got 'em.
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