Less of Me

Adjusted!

2009-03-21T12:28:00.002-04:00

Went to the surgeon Wednesday. Saw a nurse she checked everything out and it seems my band is fine. Ended up getting a small fill and I feel like I'm at the right spot. Now I just have to get my mind in the right spot. My goal for at least this week is to bump my exercise back up to at least 4 times a week. The weather should be warming up so I'll try to walk on my lunch break and get to as many yoga classes as possible. I also am going to experiment with not eating after dinner. This is my hardest time and easiest time to eat stuff I shouldn't be. So my rule will be if I'm truly hungry end the day with some protein or a 100 cal. treat.

I'm still Here!

2009-03-15T16:59:00.002-04:00

I KNOW I haven't kept up with this. I guess I'm just at status quo..I don't really have anything newsworthy to share. I'm busier with working full time. My exercise routine has suffered. I know I'll get back to it. I'm just trying to focus on making healthy choices and not worrying about the scale. But I do worry about the scale. Let's just say I feel like I've mastered maintenance prematurely. I'm going to the surgeon this week. A few weeks ago I had heartburn and had to get an unfill. Since then I think I need a fill. Then I had an awful stomach bug this week...didn't eat for 48hrs. Then did mushie food and now I'm feeling very little restriction which makes me nervous that something is wrong with my band. Anyway I'll update after I see the Dr.

Finally moving again....

2009-01-29T16:55:00.003-05:00

I reached my lowest weight in this millennium this morning-278. I'm doing much better with my eating since I've been busy at work. Packing exactly what I know I can eat instead of guessing at what I order. But being busy at work has not helped my exercising. I decided not to beat my self up over it. I'm just going to work out on my 1/2 days or days off from work, which will still be 4 times a week. I know as the days lengthen and the weather is nicer I'll do more. I'm also trying not to stress out too much if this kind of plateau happens again. I know that I'm not going to give up and if it takes me 5 years instead of 2 to reach my goals that's still ok. And better then what I would've gained in 5 years if I had not had the surgery. It's had to believe my "bandiversary" is approaching. I'll start thinking about what has changed in this past year for a big 1 year celebration blog.

On the depression front I'm feeling much more like myself. I'm getting used to the c-pap machine and sleeping better. No miraculous energy yet but I'm hopeful.

I had 2 shortened work days this week because of the weather. We've been able to spend some wonderful quality time cleaning up after the children!!!! Do you think they'll have school this weekend to make up for being off tues-wed.-thurs?

It's Thursday Again

2009-01-15T12:06:00.003-05:00

I lost 2lbs. this week...hopefully this means I'm back on track. I did well with the exercise. Walking on lunch break has been good. I don't look forward to it, but I know I won't work out after a long day at work, so unless I'm going to get up earlier this is the best I can do.

Went to support group Monday night, it was an open house at the new office. I got a small fill..I'm filled to 12.5 out of 14 now. I do notice a difference, it's helped me decrease my portions.

My boss and I made a packing pact...so I'm only going to eat out on Wednesdays. This should help my pocketbook and weight loss.

The newest antidepressant seems to be working at a lower dose. The c-pap machine for apnea is awful. I think I've been sleeping worse. The Dr. said it could take a month to get used to so I'm going to stick with it. But if I don't feel better after that, I figure it's not worth it.

Thursday Update

2009-01-08T11:55:00.002-05:00

I was down 4lbs. this am. I still think I'm having water issues. I'm having a harder time getting all my water in when it's cold. And I guess I'm just kind of tired of drinking water. So I think I'm holding water...when this relieves maybe I'll have a bigger weight loss. Anyway 4lbs. is great in a week...but you always want more. I did OK with my exercise plan, had to take Sat. off because I was sick. then Tuesday I usually take off because it's my busy day at work, Tuesday night I had my sleep study so didn't sleep great with 15 wires and a mask hooked to me. Then Wed. an unplanned work day so didn't get my exercise in because I was so tired when I got home. All of these excuses is to say that I'm going to have to do something different with my exercise plan because I'm going to start working full time. I think I'm going to have to work out in the am before work or my lunch break. But in the winter it's hard to walk outside. I feel much better when I exercise...so I'll just have to have a new routine. When I wait til evening I'm just to worn out to motivate myself.

I can't say I had any one perfect day with my eating but I had many near perfect days and I'm happy with that. I really tired of protein bars so I've been eating oatmeal with protein powder and that's been a good start to my day.

Started a new antidepressant this week..so far no headaches, etc. So I hope this is THE one. I am also going to start sleep apnea treatment. I got a CPAP machine to constantly push air into my nose. My study showed me waking an average of 20x an hour with no REM sleep which could explain some of my depression symptoms.

So this 2009 is going to be my year into health. By 2010 I hope to be on no meds and maintain weight loss. It's going to be a good year.

RUBY

2009-01-04T19:39:00.003-05:00

Just finished watching the season finale of Ruby. If you haven't seen this show you should. Ruby started the show at 477lbs and in tonight's episode she hits the 100lb lost mark, down to 373. She has really inspired me...I know it's reality television and it's edited to show what it wants but she is so beautiful inside and out and charming and lovable. On this episode she talked about things she wanted to do when she "gets skinny". Which made me think I should make a list of things I want to do when I get to my goal or maybe a list at 100lbs. off and another for my next goal of being under 200lbs. I'll work on that and keep you posted. Check out the website to find out when the show is on etc. I just added her blog to my faves.

I'm sticking to my resolutions so far. Being sick messed up my exercise yesterday...but I'll just have to work out on another day I planned to take off. I have to tell you it's been a struggle to not give up already. This blog does help hold me accountable.

Resolved

2009-01-01T10:34:00.004-05:00

OK...we're going to say the holidays are officially over. I've had a hard time staying on my food plan since October. I essentially haven't lost any weight and by this am's weigh in I've gained a little. But I'm trying to force myself not to worry about it and just move on. Some of my struggle has been just all the temptation and some of it has just been my usual pattern of diet failure. The good news is...now that I have the band I can't give up all the way.

I just reviewed my goals from July 4th...and they have not been met. But I still have time to catch up. I would like to be down 75lbs. by my band anniversary 2/22/09. And down 100lbs. by my birthday 6/7/2009. I think that's going to be difficult but I'm not going to give up.

Some things I think I can do to kick start my weight loss again is work out almost everyday. So my goal for January is 27 out of 31, that's one day off a week for those days I just run out of time. I'm going to plan to be perfect with my eating every other day. To help with that I'm going to up my water intake, only eat out while working one day a week and pack the other days. Only eat while seated. If you make that rule that cut outs a bite here and there while cooking or passing the back counter at work, or cleaning off the boys plates. I'm resolved to try this at least for January while a lot of people go on a diet. If I get back in the weight loss zone it Will motivate me to keep striving.

I measure myself today and had stayed the same..so I know my poor eating habits have cancelled out my exercise benefits.

I'm not going to move my weight loss ticker but the scale this am said 288, so that's up 9 lbs. in 2 months. I think half of that is water because of new years eve salt and some wine and not drinking all my water yesterday. So I think it'll come off fast. I'm going to set Thursday as my weigh in update day so all do a blog update weekly. I've put the scale away until then, but hope I'll be 280 by next week.

The pics tell it all...

2008-12-24T17:30:00.006-05:00

I have planned and wrapped and budgeted my brains out for months and it was over soooo quick. The boys are happy and entertained at present. We'll see how long that last. Because of church and travel plans, we usually open on Christmas Eve. This year they nagged me into opening at 3pm. I remember doing the same so I guess it's o.k.

Merry Christmas to ALL!!

Pics from Kevin's Grad...Dayton Trip

2008-12-24T17:20:00.008-05:00

Rev. Dr. Kevin Howard Orr

2008-12-24T17:01:00.004-05:00

On December 19th, Kevin officially became a Dr. the boys and I made it for most of the service. They didn't understand the true scope but they hung in there. Noah at one point asked if he could blow out the candles. We were at a Catholic church, so I told him that could mess up someones prayers. Noah also saw Daddy kiss some woman during the service. He looked at me and said "ohhhh Daddy's in trouble". As they processed out Noah ran right up to Kevin and told him that mommy's was going to slap him in the face for kissing that woman!!

My dream of being married to a Dr. finally came true!!!! Seriously it was a lot of work and I'm very proud!!

Afterwards I drove the boys to my two childhood homes...that was fun. Above are more pictures. The house is 6310 Shadowlake Dr. my home for 10yrs. to 15yrs old.

I'm OK

2008-12-18T12:19:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note because I can't leave that blah post hanging out there. I'm starting to feel a little better or at least neutral. I'm not sure this antidepressant is going to work because the Dr. said to increase my dose but when I tried my BP went up and headaches started. So since my BP was fine on the lower dose I'm going to try to hold it out here for a few weeks and see if it works. If not I'll have to move on to something else.

On the other hand, Micah is doing GREAT. His new antidepressant has brought smiles back to his face and he seems more like himself.

I'm pretty much ready for Christmas, a little more wrapping to do and then the big day.

Blah blah

2008-12-05T22:28:00.005-05:00

Just a quick update because I could use some positive vibes sent my way. Weaned off my old antidepressant this week and started the new one. Good news is it hasn't effected my blood pressure and have a little more energy, don't want to sleep all the time. But since I'm not up to full effectiveness on the new one, I'm feeling really depressed. Cried a lot today, feel irritable and overwhelmed.

Micah is feeling about the same as me. Got a one day suspension today for ripping up a paper and calling his science teacher the "B" word. He admits the paper, but swears he did not say the word that got him suspended. I tend to believe him as he seems to only be getting in real trouble with this teacher that he only is with 45min a day. I had a discussion with the principal, asking again for some support from the school system instead of just punishments, but feel like I'm beating my head up against the wall. So we'll be having some meetings soon I hope. Last spring we did all this testing and had meetings that got us nowhere. They said yes he has ADD, ODD, depression but since it isn't effecting him at school we don't need to do anything. I reminded the principal of this conversation and said now that it is effecting him at school something needs to be done. He says the punishments etc. would be the same even with some accommodation, so what good is that going to do. I pointed out that at least we'd have a plan and be working as a team to help Micah instead of punishing him for lack of motivation, apathy and outburst which are all not really Micah but symptoms of his diagnoses. Of course I think he should be punished for bad behavior but I also think the teachers could see this behavior escalating and sent him for a time out or to the counselor to talk it out, preventing the anger from escalating to this outburst.

I know that this stress is disproportionately worse due to my own depression and that this cycle will head back up again but it's just really hard right now. It's also effecting my eating and exercise. Yoga makes me feel better but even that has been hard to stay motivated to get to.

Monthy Measurements

2008-12-01T09:50:00.005-05:00

I've had a rough month when it comes to weight loss so we are going to celebrate the non-scale victories this update. I'm still at 279 but expect a big move to be coming. Since Halloween I allowed sugar back into my life and I can't break the cycle. I think when I eat something sweet it just spikes my blood sugar and when it comes back down I need more. In general I think I'm eating the same amounts just not always of the right foods. And I don't always stay full for 4 hours which has been easy in the past. I've had less motivation with the exercise also only did 17 out of my 23 for this month goal. But on to the positives.

I still lost inches 1 in hips, .5 in waist, 3 in my chest!!!, 1 in calf's and 1 in thighs. For a grand total of 8.5 this month. I was wearing a 4x-26/28 top now I can wear an 1x, or 14/16. I am snugly in size 20 jeans and comfortably in 22's.

Exercise..I could barely tie my shoes now I can stand on my hands and my head in yoga. I've been easily doing 90min athletic yoga workouts and looking forward to them. I took my friend Ron on Thanksgiving and he was sweating buckets by the end and he runs 6 miles at a time and is in the shape of his life.

Mental Health...I've been doing biweekly counseling sessions which are helping me deal with the non-food issues of this weight loss. I started a new antidepressant today that I hope will give me more motivation and energy instead of the numbness I felt on the old one. I've successfully weaned off of Lexapro that I've taken for almost 3 years, without any melt downs yet.

I can finally see a major difference in my before and after pictures.

My Dr. gave me a little fill and a lot of encouragement last week. Reminding me that I will need more support through January since food is all around. I'm back to every two week appts. for now.

Check Her Out!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-24T19:41:00.006-05:00

331 in Feb.

294.5 August

280 November

Updates!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-24T19:33:00.002-05:00

I was at the Muse concert this weekend and I walked by a mirror. And I thought cool a slimming mirror. I called my new friend over who I thought would appreciate a look at herself. She said no it's not, that's just a normal mirror. I guess I haven't adjusted to my newer self yet.

Had 4 Dr. appt today, new psychiatrist to adjust my meds, counselor to deal with my ongoing issues, surgeon to get a small fill, and dentist for 3 fillings!!! Busy day but good investment in taking care of myself.

Having a few issues with not wanting to do any exercise except yoga. But can't fit that in everyday. Have been eating some junk since Halloween, broke the no sweet habit and kept breaking it. Had lots of leftover rolls from Kevin's party and have been eating them to often. Was avoiding the Dr. because I knew my weight loss wouldn't be great, but he gave me a good pep talk and I'm just going to keep on keeping on. Unless I get the band taken out, I can't give up on this diet. I am up a pound,but really had lost 4 and gained 5 by my count.

Kunda-WHAT?!?

2008-11-22T15:21:00.002-05:00

I headed out to my regular Saturday free Yoga class at the Edge this am. I like it because there are usually a lot of new people. It boosts my self esteem to know where we are going next. Being an "advanced" student compared to the new yogis is great. Today we had a sample class of Kundalini yoga. I had seen the class on the schedule, heard about the teacher with turbans, but I had no clue what it was. I had read the description that had to do with clearing chakras and it sounded to new agey to me so I never went. So the teacher, we'll call her J in case she googles Kundalini and her name and finds this blog. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

She greeted me at the door, great eye contact, firm handshake. Fully dressed in white plus a white turban head thingy. She was probably in her 60's. You know those people who really got into Macrame plant holders in the 70's or beanie babies in the 90's and just never got out of it. Yeah she was stuck. 60's India, I guess. We started on the floor and normal pose but then we were doing dragon breathing and pulling our sexual organs up towards our navels. Yes she actually said constrict your "rectum, your sexual organs up towards your navel". Then she had us hold our thumbs up, stick out our tongues and pant like a puppy. I held the laughter in, but I thought this has to be a joke...where's the camera. But I really lost it when she had us do a spinal massage back and forth on the mat. She said "that's it, rock and roll, dance with your soul." The last straw was when she said I want you to do what Roger does and I'm going to talk you through it. Lay on your mat, do you feel it your like little popcorn heating up in oil. Move on your mat....move all your limbs, bounce all around. It looked ridiculous.

So I didn't sweat but I had a really good laugh. That's it dance with your soul.....

Need Advice HELP

2008-11-07T14:40:00.002-05:00

Noah is getting in serious trouble at school lately. He has had 2 trips to the principal and several other in classroom punishments. Yesterday on conference day he got caught in the bathroom talking about killing another student who tattled on his friend. The teacher said this student gets in trouble with her for the constant tattling. Today got a call from the teacher who said she lost it with him and another student because they told an autistic student that his lunch partner was out of school because he died. I know Noah's true self and he would not hurt a student. And I also appreciate his ability to express his emotions. But I don't know how to convey that he has to be his own person no matter what the other kids are doing. And that his words matter and they hurt people. His teacher says that he is not the ring leader but that doesn't really help us when he's following the bad behavior. We're going to start with being grounded all weekend. I also think he'll need to do some acts of kindness to make amends. I'll take any advice anyone has about how to deal with this. Parenting is HARD!!!!!!!!

October Summary

2008-11-04T19:37:00.003-05:00

Lost 7lbs. this month. Maybe a little off because of travel, always eat more than I normally would when I'm off my routine. Had a great trip to Nashville and Atlanta seeing college friends and Uncle Ron.

Starting taking measurements about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 2 in. in my hips, 3.5 in my waist, 2 in my chest, 1 off each arm, 1.5 off of each calf and 2.5 off of each thigh. That's a grand total of 17.5 inches! Wish I would have kept track of this since the beginning or at least since I started exercising. But I'm thrilled with the results so far.

I DID ITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-20T21:52:00.003-04:00

I finally almost did a headstand at Yoga tonight. They were doing really crazy things in the ultimate class, so I thought I have to go out of my comfort zone. I did it against the pillar and managed to get one leg off of the wall. I must say it was very invigorating. All that blood rushing to your head creates a great natural high.

Bling!

2008-10-09T21:13:00.002-04:00

I was just upstairs showing Micah some new clothes I bought him. He said "did you get me any new shirts". I told him he didn't need any new shirts. He said "I want a shirt like Cameron wore for pictures." He explained it was white with gold money signs and money bags. Then he said he wanted a necklace with a cents sign on it. I think he meant a dollar sign. I said then you'll really be gangster, which is a word he uses all the time. I thought I'd try to be cool. He said "mom to be a gangster you need a girl and a gun." And you have to be bad. I tried to convince him that he could start a new gangster thing and just have girls who are friends, no guns and be cool not bad. Then I told him that he didn't have to wear anything or have anything to be cool, he was already cool. He said "I know that mom, I just want to be like Cameron, because he's my friend". This conversation is a great reminder of how hard it is to parent sometimes. I love that Micah is outgoing and artistic and into fashion. But it scares me that he would think having a gun was cool. I'm sure we'll continue these kinds of conversations in the year to come. Well have to go because now my growing up boys are fighting over the remote.

OMG I Have Fasciculation Syndrome!!!

2008-10-04T19:22:00.003-04:00

After exercising, specifically walking I have twitching in my legs. I actually love that feeling, I know that my muscles actually had a workout. I assumed it happened to everyone. So I just got back from my walk, wanted to update my exercise log, I sit down at the computer and my legs muscles are twitching like crazy. I love Google...I just put in "why do muscles twitch after exercise?" and I found out it's called Benign Fasciculation syndrome. I left out the benign part in my title because everyone knows what that it and it would've ruined the shock factor. The article I read said it comes after intense aerobic exercise. That makes me feel good...my walk was actually intense aerobic exercise. I've pretty much settled into yoga, walking and Wii as my exercise routine. This seems to work well in my schedule. I can do yoga during the school day and walks or Wii in the evening. When I walk around the cul-de-sacs, the kids are usually outside playing. I can hear them the whole time I'm walking, so I know they are safe without me right close to the house. It's nice that they are more independent and I can worry more about taking care of myself. O.K must go now so I can make a Dr. appt. to discuss the treatment course for Fasciculation Syndrome.

STABLE

2008-10-01T14:57:00.002-04:00

I've had a good month. Lost 8.5 lbs, most of it in the first part of the month. I'd really like to hit 10lbs. a month, but am still happy with the downward motion. I've been stuck between 286-288 for 10days. This(losing fast then stalling) is becoming my pattern so I just need to just keep doing what I'm doing and relax. It would probably be better if I stayed off the scale except for once a month, but I just can't do it. I have to know everyday. I need to change my attitude about it a little. I shouldn't say stalling or stuck, maybe just "stable".

Had a good month of exercise also. Yoga is the only thing I really look forward to doing. The last few weeks, if I haven't had that planned it's been a fight to do anything else. I haven't done the toning routine for a while, but will get back to doing it at least a few times a week this month.

Feeling ok in the depression front. Medicine is working, still sleepy and unmotivated at times, but mostly feeling like myself again.

Checking In...

2008-09-19T20:54:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've written. Though I don't really have a topic to talk about thought I'd update on several issues.

Noah's arm is healing. He had his follow up appt. today with the orthopedist. Kevin took him, he said it's stiff still. But to just take it easy and it'll work itself back to normal. So we just have to keep an eye on him.

I started my antidepressants again. This week reminds me of the side effects that I don't like. It makes me really sleepy and I feel checked out. I know those symptoms will wear off so I just have to put up with them for a few weeks. I made an appointment with the psychiatrist to talk about changing my medication. It takes forever to get in, it's in November. Good thing I'm not having a crisis. Then I made an appointment(in oct.) with the psychologist that did my pre-surgery evaluation. I really liked him, so I'm going to switch to him. He asked how the weight loss was going. I told him great, but I wanted to check in with him, to talk about the non-food issues.

I lost another 2 lbs this week. It feels really good. I'm almost surprised that this is still working. I think 40lbs. is the most I've ever lost on a diet. So I guess I'm just expecting to plateau about now. In the past this would make me give up on the diet. I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't just any other diet. This is really about changing my life. And thankfully the band won't let me give up.

My body is really starting to change, some bones are getting close to the surface in my upper chest. My clavicles may show again soon!!! I took my measurements yesterday I wish I would have done that sooner, because I know I've lost lots of inches. But at least I can keep track from now on. The toning routine is getting to be a little too much. I'm up to 25 reps and it takes a long time. I think I'll scale it down to every other day. Or just do it on the days that I don't do yoga. Since it's the best toning routine around.

The Perfect Storm

2008-09-16T07:30:00.002-04:00

That was the weirdest weather I have ever been in. The wind kind of reminded me of Oklahoma dust storms, minus the big red cloud. We were one of the lucky ones in Cincinnati only lost power for a couple of hours Sunday afternoon. But 90% of Cincinnati was without power. My work closed early yesterday, work the am without power. The boys had no school yesterday and it is cancelled again today. Made me realize how spoiled we are. I was upset because I didn't have Internet access. I really rely on it. I needed to call a few places and I had thrown out all my phonebooks in the last cleaning frenzy because I just look things up online. I also missed updating my blog and checking for comments. Glad to be online again...and expect everything else to be back to normal soon. The picture is of the house in Mt. Heatlhy where a woman was killed by her tree. We were so thankful that we had cut down that old pine tree!

On another note...I stopped taking my antidepressants about 2 months ago. I wanted a break to see if my exercise routine, weight loss had restarted my own serotonin production. I was tired of the side effects, loss of libido, the numbing of emotion, etc. I was doing great for a while but the last 2 weeks I noticed my temper was shortening, starting to have sleep issues, losing motivation. This weekend I didn't want to exercise and wanted to sleep more. So all that said I decided I need the medication. I started it back up now while I still feel level headed and could make a good decision about it. Maybe I'll give it a try another time.

Elephant in the Room

2008-09-08T22:17:00.003-04:00

Went to support group tonight. Every time I go I learn something new about the band and food. So that's good. Got some new ideas of things to add to my diet that is band friendly and high in protein. Chili, canned salmon, a great recipe for a crust less cheesecake. We had a pot luck. It it really interesting to watch people at these events around food. The big bosses are there, the nurses, the drs. Everyone is really hesitant. We went around the room and talked about our "go to" food and the food we miss the most. I have to tell you I miss pizza the most and I do rarely eat it, cause it makes me sick. But most people said ice cream. And that is a food that is really easy to go down, but not good for you. Most of the people in the room are or were food addicts. And no one admitted that they still eat ice cream. Up until about May I was still eating ice cream. Sometimes once a day. Now I've gotten down to less than once a week. We don't keep it in the house, so it's only when we go out. Holding in the truth I think just leads to shame. So I'm saying it. I eat ice cream and I plan on still eating it even while I lose weight. I think if I deny myself I'll just eat everything else I can get my hands on. I know I will because I've done it on other diets. Now, that said I'm not going to sabotage the band and eat it everyday, so I'm using some will power. But this isn't a diet...I'm changing my life style so ice cream will be rare but there is no benefit to being dishonest about being perfect all the time. OK enough of that.

I did get a slight fill .3cc. I'm up to 11.8 now. I have great restriction during the day but can eat too much in the evening. Last night I was able to eat a chili dog with the bun. So I'm learning if I can eat bread that's a red flag that I'm not adjusted properly. Hopefully I can eat during the day tomorrow. I was down 4lb. by their scale in two weeks so I'm right on track.

WARNING

2008-09-08T22:09:00.002-04:00

I admit it I have chin hairs. I buy waxing strips and take care of it about once a month. The last kit I bought I noticed they did have eyebrow size strips. My eyebrows don't grow thick but they grow wide, halfway down my lid. It had been months since I did anything about them. I was too embarrassed to go get them professionally waxed. So I thought I can do this. I did my right eye, on the left as you look at the picture and it turned out really well, reduced the wideness. Then I put he left strip on and new it was up to high, but once you do it, it too late to readjust. I pulled the strip, looked at the amount of hair on it and new I had over shot. There is a bald spot. I was too afraid to try to make the other one match, so I'm just going to go around uneven until they grow back. And then I guess I'll have to go to a professional again. So if you do this make sure you have good lighting,good vision and good aim.

Noah's arm

2008-09-08T13:37:00.005-04:00

Went to Orthopedic Dr. this am. He took off the splint, manipulated his arm, with the gentle touch that surgeons are known for..not. Noah took it well, his arm is bruised and still swollen. The Dr. said he didn't see anything but the swelling on the Xray that I brought from the ER. Concurred that there probably is a non displaced "crack" or hairline fracture. He instructed us to keep it in the sling for a week, immobilized and see if it improves. If not re xray, and cast if a fracture shows after swelling is gone. Since he's young it should heal fast. I think he would do better with a cast, forced immobilization, but it's only a week so he should survive. The sling keeps it hugged up to his body, with his hand inside the sling..so he gets a reprieve from writing for now. I suggested he try his left hand but he didn't like that plan. I'll add a picture later.

Updates

2008-09-07T15:06:00.002-04:00

I did not get invited to sing with Muse, which I expected. I am still going to volunteer to be on the production crew and participate in their activism events. I'm totally fine with it, and it was still a good experience. They did invite me to sing in the co-ed Freedom Singers that the Muse director directs. I'm going to get more information and check it out. It's a choir that meets at the Freedom Center downtown.

Noah seems better today, was up several times during the night but is playing like normal today. He has found out the sling is a great place to stash his favorite little toys..."like a big pocket."

Noah plus tree equals ER

2008-09-06T22:53:00.003-04:00

My little Noah has been climbing trees since he was 2...he's quite agile and has managed until today to avoid injury. We had our 50ft. pine tree cut down because it was dead and the branches were brittle. I was afraid someone would fall and get hurt. But Noah found another tree at Momadu and Allisane's house. They all came running to get me saying Noah "crunched his arm" Noah was sobbing. So we headed to the ER after I quickly noticed his elbow was swelling and Noah was in real pain. He cried all the way to the hospital he said I "can't stand the pressure." The xray(not the one attached) shows a lot of blood and tissue swelling at the elbow joint. The Dr. said there is no obvious fracture but the swelling indicates there is probably at least a crack in the elbow joint itself or the where the radius enters the joint. So they splinted it and we'll have to wait until Monday to see an Orthopedic dr. to get it casted. It is his right arm so we'll have to see how school goes, etc. He's fine now...propped up on my side of the bed eating chicken nuggets. I figured a trip to the ER warrented some chicken nuggets. I'll keep you posted.

The Muse

2008-09-06T18:51:00.004-04:00

I auditioned for The Muse today. It's an all women's choir here in Cincinnati. I did OK but I don't think I have the talent to get in. I sang Cyndi Lauper's Time after Time. I really just wanted to try out as a way to broaden my social circle. They combine music with social justice, this really intrigues me and is maybe more exciting then the actual singing. I hope to at least be invited into their "5th section" which is the volunteer support staff. I met some really interesting people. One woman recognized my tattoo as an Adinkra symbol and said she had 5 on her back. No one has ever recognized my tattoo, so I felt instantly bonded! I'll hear tomorrow if I made it and let you know.

www.musechoir.org

Getting Stronger

2008-09-04T11:57:00.003-04:00

I did my first back bend in about 30 years today in Yoga!!! I think the extra toning exercises I'm doing at night are starting to really strengthen my arms and core. I'm a little discouraged about not losing this last week. But I know this is a long haul and a slow week here and there is OK. The overall goal will still be reached, just have to keep striving. In the chat room for my surgeons office the patients often talk about scale victories and non-scale victories. (For the longest time I had no idea what they were talking about because they said SV and NSV, I finally asked.) So when the scale isn't moving as fast as I'd like, I'm going to focus on the non-scale victories. So today my NSV is a yoga back bend. That's lifting nearly 294.5 pounds up with most of the weight on my shoulders!! So I'm proud of myself for not giving up on exercise and eating right most of the time. Monday I have support group and I'll see the Dr. too, I think I need a fill. I've been able to eat too much in the evening and a little bread which shouldn't be happening when I'm properly filled. I was trying to just use will power because if I'm at the right spot in the evening I'm afraid it'll be harder to eat in at breakfast and lunch(because it losens up as day goes on due to water retention etc. But I need to let the band work for me, so it's probably time for a slight fill. I also have been avoiding it because my port is tilted and it's not quite as painless as it used to be to get a fill. Thanks for reading, talk later.

Sold for $455!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-01T11:29:00.006-04:00

Purchased for $29.99 plus shipping cost $40.00, gas, time, ebay fees $25.00=94.99 total costs. Profit $360.01!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fist Bump

2008-08-30T15:02:00.002-04:00

Now that I'm approaching 40lb. lost people are really starting to notice my weight loss. Even people who didn't know about the surgery. We have a resident in our office. He works mostly on Wednesdays. Our paths hadn't crossed in probably about a month. He saw me this week and said "you've lost a lot of weight, you look good". I thanked him and said I've lost almost 40lb. He walked away and then stuck his hand around the corner and said "that deserves a fist bump". It made me feel really good.

Tried a new yoga studio this am. My Y teacher also teaches there. I want to fit more classes in a week since I really like it. Today I went to the free intro. class. This instructor made all the people who had ever done it before move to the front. She pointed out my poses a few times to give people examples. That made me feel good too. I'm not a beginner anymore. During the class she said she is newly certified as an instructor and is 50yrs old. So that gives me hope.

Update Picture

2008-08-25T15:29:00.004-04:00

Before~331 on 2/14/08 and during 294.5 on 8/25/08

I guess I see a difference....wish it was closer and in front of same door, same clothes etc. Anyway I'll keep doing this every 40lb or so.

Find of my LIFE!!!

2008-08-25T15:11:00.005-04:00

I know already emailed some of you about this...but I still can't believe it and must tell more people. I went shopping at my favorite (though dirty and unorganized at times) store. It's called Weekend Grandview Outlet. I refer to it as the Target Outlet. It basically gets shipments of returned or off season items from other discount stores. I see mostly Target, Wal mart, Kmart brands. But there is also furniture from Bloomingdales. And half of it is taken up by boxed laminate flooring

So I went on Friday...needed some stuff I'd seen there before and there is always something I can buy. As I was leaving I noticed some items just thrown in carts by the registers. I saw something Star Wars at the bottom. I dug it out and saw it was a lego set for 16yr. and older. So I put it back knowing that Micah loves star wars but no way would he have the patience for this. Then I thought it's never too late to buy for Christmas, I'll get it for Kevin's nephew who is older and would have the patience for this. I asked the manager is this for sale she said yes I just haven't priced it yet. I said how much, she said $29.99. So I bought it. When I got home I was curious how much it was worth. I figured around 79.99. I looked it up online and it retails for $499.99!!!!!!!!!! It's the biggest lego set ever over 5,000 pieces Ultimate Collectors Series Millennium Falcon. It was at the outlet because of a tear in the box.

It's listed on Ebay if anyone is interested!!! I'll let you know how much it goes for.

Dr. visit

2008-08-25T14:57:00.004-04:00

Had my bi-weekly check in with the surgeon today. He thinks am doing really well andI should be able to easily keep up my weight loss pace for 18 more months. My pace is about 10lb at month. So he says that means you'll be "110 in 18months." I said no way "I haven't been 110 since I was 10". I told him can't think about that yet. I do much better with small goals. I can't imagine weighing less than 150 and I think I'll be thrilled with the 150 to 190 range. But I won't discount his opinion, I am just not embracing it right now. He said I could come back in 3 weeks and if lose 6lb. in that time he'll release me to monthly appts.

Growing UP!

2008-08-20T11:27:00.005-04:00

Dropping off went fine...I'll only teared up once. We had a really good summer and I'm not looking forward to homework time. But I'm ready for some quiet time at home. Jadon is nervous about gym class. Last year his kindergarten teacher sent kids there for punishment and the teacher made kids run laps. So even though it never happened to him, he's afraid of the teacher. I caught the teacher in the hall this am. I said I have a first grader who is really of afraid of gym. He said "Jim, Jim who...there's no Jim here...who's that some mean guy...no gym here ...we have physical education." So Jadon is just a really good judge of character and the gym teacher is a jerk. I explained well he's afraid of you because of last year, could you please use a gentle touch on him. He agreed but I'll be watching. Noah was real excited ran off with his shorts pulled up as high as possible. He needs size 10 for length but his waist is an 8, I tightened the inside belt but he still wanted to pull them up. His class is right next to Jadon's so I looked in on him and he was unloading his bag and smiling. Micah went in on his own, but I forgot to give him his extra bag with classroom supplies. I walked down to drop them off. He was unloading his bag with a frown on is face. She has him seated in the last row furthest from her, which is going to be a problem. His intervention plan says he's supposed to be in the front row close to her. I'll let it go for now. I hope he has a good day. His allergies are acting up which makes his mood low. Anyway it's so quiet here. Today I'm going to watch TV, do laundry and work out. Should be relaxing enough.

First Day of School 08-09 (4th, 2nd, 1rst)

2008-08-20T11:22:00.006-04:00

Arms and Core

2008-08-17T18:59:00.005-04:00

OK I'm never going to or would I ever want to look like the above picture. But I am trying to embrace my athletic side. I keep imaging the photographer saying "OK go ahead relax, put your arms down...no really put your arms down...say cheese" It looks like she cant put her arms down. Trying not to judge but this just doesn't look right...I admire her work ethic?!

Probably premature but I' starting to think about when I reach my goal....where is all this skin going to go. I'm on the young side so I maybe have to elasticity left to my skin. I am exercising so that should help. But I really want to avoid hanging skin. Not to get in a Bikini but just to help my body image and make all this work show in my body.

I also am in love with Yoga, it's the one exercise, except maybe swimming that I actually look forward too. I think I can get really good at it. Right now I want to be able to do better. Two things I know I lack are arm and core strength. I'm pretty flexible and my balance isn't bad. Now granted you use your body as your "weight" in yoga class so I lift at least twice as much as most in my class, but I still am hindered by my body.

So all this is to say that I want to do some core and arm work every day. I did some online research and found some simple exercises that I can do with home weights in my room in front of the TV. This will be the toning routine you see on my exercise chart. I figure I'll try to do it everyday. I can do it any time of day while I watch TV. I'm going to start with 5 reps for arms and 5 second hold time for core, and increase reps weekly by 5 and hold time every other week by 5 seconds working up to 100 reps and 60 seconds by 2009. So I'm telling you this plan to hold myself accountable. There will be no excuses not to do it. I watch TV every day so I can do this every day. I want to do this in addition to my 3 yoga, 3 cardio workout a week.

If anyone is interested...for arms I'll do bicep curl, triceps and shoulder raises with 3lb. weights. Increasing weight and reps weekly.

For core (abs,back) I'm going to do push ups, superman, superman twists, Vsits, crunches, crunch twists, and windmills. Increasing reps weekly and hold time (if applies) bi weekly.

Watching the Olympics, especially some of the older athletes that the announcers make a big deal of, has really inspired me. I know the horse has already left the barn when it comes to me ever competing on that level. But in my 40's I hope I can train to do something athletic. Maybe a mini triathlon. Maybe a yoga instructor or trainer with a focus on helping obese people. Maybe take over my Dad's dream and swim the English Channel. He made it sound like it was legal and safe but I'll have to look into that. Maybe I'll just get really good at Yoga and have toned "guns." Just putting some dreams out there hoping these thoughts will lead to something else.

Meoww

2008-08-15T12:22:00.004-04:00

Noah and Micah thought it wise to get up at 6am....so Noah found a sunny spot just now and fell asleep. How cute!!

Oatmeal

2008-08-14T11:01:00.003-04:00

I think for about 3 months now most mornings I have a protein bar. Welllll I've had enough of protein bars and need some variety. At support group I learned about protein powder. I never though I would buy one of those big jugs of powder that body builders live on. But I did it this week. The first night I tried the chocolate thinking it would kick my nightly snack attack. I made the mistake of mixing it with water instead of milk and it tasted like gritty watered down Yoohoo. So I dumped it out and thought I tried it with milk and ice in the blender next time. But I also got vanilla and added it to my oatmeal this am. It made my oatmeal power oatmeal and it actually tasted good. I never thought I'd get excited about oatmeal, so I guess I am changing.

one more thing.....

2008-08-09T19:31:00.003-04:00

This afternoon....poor Micah got in the way of a swarm of yellow jackets. He ran in the house from room to room trying to get away from them but they were stuck on his clothes. He got stung at least 10 times and was terrified. I spent a long time with him locked in the guest room, the only place there were no yellow jackets applying ice and getting him calmed down, while Kevin killed them all. He's had benadryl and is fine now, but has a new fear.

A minor complication....

2008-08-09T19:21:00.002-04:00

I was late getting home yesterday because I spend an extra long time at the Dr. Appartently my port is flipped. The nurse had to stick me several times and finally found the center after a lot of digging around. It didn't hurt too bad since she sticks on my incision line where it's numb, but the sound of the needle scratching the outside of the port was blood curdiling. And I had to keep my stomach muscle(yes muscle, no six pack just a couple 2 liters) flexed to make it easier. Anyway it's tilted down and toward my left foot. Not totally flipped over, but if it keeps moving around and I keep needing adjustments it'll have to be repaired. She said as I loose weight it'll get easier to find since they'll be less fat tissue on top. She said it probably happens with activity and the muscle it's sewn too, firming etc. I often get stiches around it when I do yoga twists etc and I had a bad one last week which is when it probably turned. Anyway I'm not too worried about it....since it's not painful just annoying.

Good Kid

2008-08-09T19:13:00.002-04:00

Last night Micah and Noah and Momadu got to go the the Reds game. Momadu's older sister won 4 tickets at the Library and she didn't want to go. Anyway Jadon didn't want to go, so I said we could do something just the 2 of us. So I got home late...that's another story. But I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies or the arcade or out to eat. And he said no he wanted to help me get all the "art supplies" ready. After a few questions I realized that he saw that I had gotten a lot of school supplies and he wanted to help me organize them. I guess he remembered last year putting all the names on the making sure we had everything. So he sat on the floor and I passed him all the supplies after I put names on them and checked them off the list. We made up 3 backpacks for us and 3 bags for the festival of sharing at church. After that he asked to go get ice cream "at the place that's only open when it's hot." (our local dairy). He's a good kid.

Paints done...next curtains...wall hangins

2008-08-07T20:45:00.002-04:00

Fat Girl

2008-08-07T10:42:00.003-04:00

Had some hard memories come up in the last day. Yesterday at work a (chubby) 11 yr. old came in with her (skinny) 9 year old sister for a physical. As she went to get on the scale in the hallway. Her sister said your going to break it. When her Dad saw the number 135 at 5ft. He said "Jesus....you gotta do something about that"....I cringed and remembered that feeling of shame.

This am at Yoga, Maryann tried to help me get into a headstand...I just don't have the upper body and core strength to do it yet. I said next year...but throughout the rest of the class I had a bad memory. Back in 2000 I was doing yoga when I got pregnant with Jadon. I went to a sub. OBGYN for my first visit. I asked him if I could keep doing yoga while I'm pregnant. He laughed at me and said "you do yoga....your too big, if you stand on your head you'll break your neck. First of all he didn't really know what yoga is. It's not all about standing on your head. And 2nd of all as a Dr. he should have been encouraging me to exercise not laughing at me.

At the end of class I told my classmates the story and of course everyone was mortified and supported me. Maryann said she'd help me take baby steps and I could do a headstand eventually.

I had a good cry on the way home...I guess just letting some of the shame of being fat. When I do yoga she has us breathe out the bad stuff and inhale the good stuff. So in my head I think out with shame in with pride. I know this sounds like a little new age foo foo. But I really think of it as a prayer to release the bad yucky stuff of being a fat child and embracing my self as I am and being proud of what I'm doing to change myself. Some therapists etc. would say that people hold onto fat to protect themselves. I know I don't consciously do that....but I know this time I lose weight it has to be different. I have to let go of that shame and be proud of myself. I need to KNOW I deserve to be healthy, look good etc. OK enough with blog therapy...gotta go clean the house.

Keeping on Track?

2008-07-26T12:57:00.004-04:00

It' been a hard week at work. I worked Monday thru Friday as receptionist. This is probably the worst time of the year to be receptionist. A lot of the school and sports forms are due on Aug. 1st and when people get around to thinking about getting an appt. to get the physicals done all of our appointments are taken. That combined with Dr. vacations has made it very tense at the dr. office. On Thursday the nurse that has worked their for a loooong time was very worked up. I made a mistake and overbooked a time slot. I helped out the best I could, putting patients in rooms, pulling her charts...but she would not let it go. She was so rude to me that it made me cry. I admit I haven't felt good, headaches, tired, the blahs, hormones all week, but her words just pushed me over the edge.

So all of the above effects my eating and exercise as well. We had a lot of leftover chocolate and ice cream from Micah and Noah's bday party. In the evening I've been sooo exhausted and stressed that I have turned to food. Thursday and Friday I didn't even exercise. So I need to turn this around. I won't let a couple days turn into a week and then a couple weeks turn into a month. So today I'm back on the eating plan so far, and I've worked out twice. My plan for next week is to work out at lunch break or right when I get home to shake away the stress and blahs and stay on track with my food. If I'm going to slip up it's always in the evening. Food goes down much easier then, especially the bad stuff like ice cream, cake and candy. All in all I'm only up 1.5lbs, unfortunately I'll have to lose them again this week.

Anyway a little venting....a little confession...and right back to it. Even when I don't want to, the results are worth it.

My virtual Model.

2008-07-18T22:37:00.011-04:00

I haven't really kept up with pictures to show my progress...I need to do that. Until then I found this great website...it's a little freaky though.

On left current 303.

On right goal 190.

Boobs and arms need to be bigger, and I

don't know if my thighs will ever not touch!

YOU HAVE got to BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-15T20:45:00.003-04:00

Tonight in yoga she guided us into this pose. I couldn't stop laughing. I can't find a picture of it so I'll just have to describe it. Sit on your bottom, bend your knees, grab your big toes, straighten your legs, now throw yourself back landing on your shoulders, legs spread eagle above your head. I was the only one laughing, but I couldn't help it it was hilarious looking. Of course I couldn't do it but it was fun watching everyone else try.

Happy Birthday to Micah and Noah....

2008-07-14T18:36:00.004-04:00

Had a combined birthday party for Micah and Noah yesterday. Beautiful weather, had a great time. Swam, water balloons, ate and danced. Probably won't do a combined party again. They get soooooo jealous and possessive. Micah kept saying it was really his party because Noah had a family party on his birthday back in June. Kevin has great video of all the kids dancing and then in the distance Noah playing by himself at his own party. He's so independent. I'll try to post it next.

Shop til you drop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-12T20:43:00.004-04:00

Me with Cathy O.

Cathy, Beth and Heidi

My friends came down from Columbus this weekend to celebrate Heidi's graduation from dental hygiene school. We shopped Friday at the Target Outlet, ate at PF Changs, and even an underwear run to Wal Mart(yes 2 of us forgot to pack underwear). We stayed up late playing cards and drinking wine. Today we hit Ikea and Jungle Jim's before they headed home. I bought the most stuff, had a whole list of things I realized we needed as I cleaned the house last week. And I got a rug, entertainment center, drapes and lamps for the Living Room. It's my focus right now. Next I want to paint and hang pictures etc. on the walls.

I felt like I had gained 20 lb. because I ate more than I have been. But came home and got right on the scale and I had stayed the same. It may show up in the next few days but those occasional lapses are fine according to my Dr. I did much better than I would of a year ago. At PF Changs I ate mostly protein and a little bit of noodles and rice. I did have dessert because they come in these cute little shot glasses and are a perfect portion. Couldn't really eat much breakfast and was back on the program for lunch. And I haven't eaten since then. I just got off of the Wii, and even exercised at the hotel yesterday before everyone arrived. So all in all I feel good.

CLEAN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-09T20:04:00.003-04:00

OK, it took me most of 5 days but I did the whole house is sorted and cleaned. I'm inviting everyone I know to stop by and take a look. You have 1 hour until it needs cleaned again. My boys are traveling mess makers. While I'm upstairs on my hands and knees scrubbing they are somewhere else undoing the clean. Today I swept up I bet a gallon of dust and crumbs and junk. I scrubbed floors on my hands and knees and then bleach mopped after that. For the first time in a long time I don't smell urine anywhere. I know that's gross but it's the reality with 3 boys in the house.

Too tight?

2008-07-07T09:40:00.002-04:00

Been having trouble getting all my protein in this weekend. Got sick again yesterday after eating only 2 chicken wings at lunch. I don't know if I'm eating too fast, or chicken is a problem. I'm not losing as fast either so my body is maybe holding on, thinking I'm trying to starve. Yesterday I only had 3/4 of a protein bar. 5oz of chicken off of chicken wings, with blue cheese and a lean cuisine pizza, ate the topping off of the whole pizza and left half of the bread. I'm not hungry and this is barely any food. In the am I can't even drink cold water or I get the burn. Anyway I see the Dr. Friday, might have to get loosened up a tad.

I'm thinking about stepping up the exercise, as I get more fit, it will take more to make a difference. I think on days I'm not working I'd like to do 2 workouts a day. An early am maybe yoga. This am I yoga'd along with a program on Oxygen channel called Inhale. I taped it since it's on at 6am and did it at 8am. The teacher is a little crazy but I liked it. It's a lot like I do at the Y.

As I read this I think I sound like a total fanatic so I accept any doubt or rolling of eyes. I know this is a crazy opposite of how my life has been...but I really want IT this time. I think this kind of fanaticism and addiction to health is totally acceptable for me right now as I turn my body, my life into something new and healthy.

Goals:

2008-07-04T13:41:00.003-04:00

290 by 9/1/08

270 by 12/1/08

250 by 2/22/09(1yr. anniversary of surgery)

231 by 6/7/09(38th birthday)100# lost

225 by 7/4/09(1 yr from today!)

Mind your own beezwax!!!

2008-07-04T11:04:00.004-04:00

Now that I'm loosing noticeable weight...people and even electronics just can't keep their mouth shut!!! Kevin was talking to his sister in Oklahoma last night. I haven't spoken to her in months, I wasn't even sure she knew I had the surgery. I could hear his side of he conversation. She was asking for an update. Kevin said I was doing really well, etc. And then "yeah she checks in with her dr., she feels great, etc." She was asking if maybe I was loosing too fast. Now I remember that she took phen phen, through herself into a manic sweat festival and though I judged I said nothing. We have no relationship so she can't really try to hold me accountable. And then I get on the Wii and it told me I was loosing too fast and that I risked rebound. I just laughed out loud. I can handle the machine it's not set up to deal with individual weight loss programs. It's just programmed to slow people down to 1-2 lb. a week for the most healthy weight loss. I know it's fast right now. But I am doing it the right way and may stall eventually but won't rebound. I feel really good, my old clothes are falling off of me and my new clothes are loose. Swimming laps the other day at one point I had to stop, my trunks were falling down, my tank was rising up and my straps were falling down. Good thing I wasn't doing the backstroke at the time! Now those of you that I do have relationships with you are responsible for encouraging me if this motivation, weight loss stalls. Remind me of this time, don't let me give up.

Ebonics

2008-06-28T21:51:00.003-04:00

I know this is a difficult subject, but it's my life. Micah and Noah though biracial biologically had been raised in a pretty lilly white, vanilla suburb. Our environment has changed in the last 2 yrs. I'm happy about this and this is what I would have wanted for my family regardless of their racial make up. The majority of their classmates are all shades of brown, all their new friends are not just African American but some are actually African. They are loved and I believe coming into their own self as biracial children. Noah in particular has picked up the urban slang, as I've been calling it. I know it's not the way all African American people speak, but it's the way a lot of their classmates and friends apeak here in Mt. Healthy. I've been correcting him, just because of the grammar. He likes to introduce his brothers like this. "I'm Noah and here go my brother Micah, and there go my brother Jadon. "
Tonight was classic though. We were standing in the quiet sanctuary of St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church taking a tour as part of the Greek Festival and there were about 20 people in the room. As we approached the alter. Noah says in full Noah, no volume control voice. "look Daddy there go Jesus hangin' on the cross!" I made a bee line to the back trying to stifle my laughter. NOW that's funny!!!!!!! There go mommy peeing her pants......

Addiction

2008-06-28T21:22:00.002-04:00

I am now starting to see that my relationship with food is going to be changed forever. I got another fill on Thursday. Dr. Mobley and I had a long conversation about if I'm at my sweet spot. This basically is the spot banded people need to be at. It's when 3oz. of protein and 1/2 cup of something else keeps us full for 4 hr. I'd say I have been eating with in those boundaries more than 50% of the time, but when the opportunity arises I can hold a lot more. My basic day for a month has been a protein bar for breakfast. Salad with protein for lunch. And dinner varies. If I'm going to yoga I usually have another protein bar for dinner and then a 4th meal later a night. Lately a lean cuisine...most of the time a snack, fruit, popcorn, stick cheese. He thought this was good for me, but I still feel like I'm dieting. I really want to be physically unable to eat anymore than necessary. Right now I have great motivation, but I know my self and I will lose it eventually and this diet won't work. That's why I got the band..it's forced will power. I told him that I can still eat to much at times. At mom and dad's anniversary I ate way too much. I didn't get sick but felt very full. He put in another 1 cc. I have 11 out of 14 in my band. AND I THINK I'M FINALLY THERE. I have to eat really slow now. I have gotten sick 2 times, once before the last fill and once today. So I'm learning. Today's episode was not very nice. We went to the Greek festival...my LAST festival. It's all just a waste of money. The boys want to do rides and games. I stood in a long line for a gyro, one of my favorites. I wasn't crazy enough to think I could eat the whole thing, but I at least wanted the meat with sauce. So I ate about 4 strip of meat and that was it. I ate it way to fast and had to hide behind the carny vans and got sick. So today I have eaten 1 power bar, 3oz. of chicken, and just had one piece of thin crust pizza, slowly with a fork. And I'm totally OK with this. My life is changing and I'm happy. I need to give myself time to learn these new skills.

Monica Seles of Yoga

2008-06-26T10:33:00.002-04:00

In power yoga she instructs us to breath in and out through our nose, constricted our throats on the exhale to make it more vigorous. Well this am there was a student I hadn't seen before or heard for that matter. Throughout the whole class she was doing this vigorous exhale that sounded like a snore. It was really distracting and comical. I kept trying to focus on my own practice but yogi the bear kept pulling me back.

I'm really getting more flexible and strong. Can't wait to see how I'm doing in a years time, with less weight and more strength. Yeah I said it I'll be doing this in a year. Not giving up on this exercise program.

Bad day at work....

2008-06-25T19:39:00.003-04:00

It's not often that I complain about my job. I really do like it. I have busy days, hard days but today their was an incident that I can't shake. This mom with 3 boys ages 9,5 and 3 came in. We had an urgent visit and had gotten behind, so she had been waiting in a busy waiting room for abou 30 minutes. Another mom pulled me into the hallway and said "are you going to take that mom back soon because she has been verbally abusing her boys for just being boys the whole 10 minutes I've been here." I checked the sign in sheet, assured the other mom that I'd get her back as soon as possible. This mom we'll call her Patty is well known to our office. She has 3 boys, they get sick often, one time her 3 yr. old swallowed magnetics and we had daily discussions about his poop. She's a high strung mom, and anxious mom. I can be like that. Or probably was more like that when my boys were younger, so I try not to judge. I went about my business and took them back into a room. I tried to help her out, by getting the kids to sit down not climb on the chairs, I promised stickers if they listened to their mom. Most of the time kids listen better to other adults. I wish people in general had helped me out more when my boys were little. I thought everything was calm...then closed the door. And she let into those kids about how awful they were being, they weren't even that sick, blah, blah, blah...just on and on. Then the little one must have climbed back up on top of the chair. And Patty said just because the nurse is gone doesn't mean you don't have to sit on the chair and then...slap, slap, slap, ...slap, slap, slap,....slap, slap, slap. Now I'm not a perfect parent and we all lose it sometimes, I have spanked my boys a handful of times. I don't think it's very effective and haven't done it in a long time. I know others disagree with me. But the sound of him being hit over and over again was painful...of course he's crying and the mom is screaming. Dr. G comes out of the room next door at this point and says "what's going on?". I gave him a quick summary and he went into the room and asked the same question. Patty said oh he's just having a 3 yr. old temper tantrum. After they leave we discuss what to do. As a nurse I'm obligated to report abuse. Our dilemma was that I didn't see it or know for sure which child she hit. Dr. G had looked at all their butts because they had scabies and said there were no red marks. The law is you can hit your kids but only with your hand and it can't leave a mark. Dr. G said he would report it if I was uncomfortable, but I was the best witness. So I called the abuse hotline and told them what happened. They said even though it was inappropriate discipline they couldn't open up a case against her unless we have proof the child was injured. I believe red mark or not that child is injured. And I fear if she does that behind a door in a dr.s office what is going on when no one is looking or listening close by. Anyway awful story...nothing to do with weight loss...but had to vent.

Exercise Report

2008-06-23T21:02:00.005-04:00

6/23/08 30 min free run 6.6 miles on Wii

6/24/08 75min power yoga...getting more flexible

6/25/08 day off

6/26/08 60 min power yoga

I'm doing it

2008-06-21T17:35:00.003-04:00

6/19/08 33 min on Wii step,hula,balance

6/20/08 45 min on Wii power walk/jog almost 7 miles in 3 min, and box

6/21/08 Home calestenics in front of TV

6/22/08 20min on Elliptical-faster ever mile 14:39

Still doin it...just not writing evey day...

2008-06-17T21:03:00.003-04:00

Lost track of days but my goal is still 6 days a week...it's falling into 4 aerobic, 2 yoga class mostly...

6/13/08 45 min. Wii aerobic and balance

6/14/08 30 min. laps in pool and water strengthening

6/15/08 33 min elliptical 2miles in 30min

6/16/08 30 Wii

6/17/08 90 min power yoga

6/18/08 day off-pack for mom and dads

Back on the Wagon

2008-06-13T13:18:00.002-04:00

Had a great week at Lakeside. Only too hot a couple days and the storms brought cooler weather. I did not do any official exercising, but walked a lot. Also ate ice cream and snacked more. But got on the scale this am and maintained my weight, so that's good. Back to exercise this weekend and back to the YMCA classes by Monday is my plan.

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

2008-06-07T17:30:00.001-04:00

Day 32/Day off

I really want to work out...but I worked til 1230pm. And just got home from Costco, Sam's Club and Wal Mart. Next my boys are taking me out for dinner at Red Robin....and when we get home I have to pack for the week at Lakeside. So doubt I'll get exercise in but maybe walking the aisles and lifting things in and out of cart counts.

The picture is lovely. I think I'll do this next year. But we'll need some bigger party hats!!!!!

Wii Boxing

2008-06-06T21:15:00.003-04:00

Day 31/#27
Wii Step/Wii Boxing
33min.
sweat

Then we all went to the local catholic church festival. It's always been all about the food for me. Had some codfish with coleslaw...passed up the fried cheese, sausage roll, funnel cakes, pizzza, brats, metts, corn on the cob with butter....and it wasn't that hard.

2008-06-05T19:02:00.002-04:00

Day 30/#26 60min. Hip Hop Class

sweat some

felt old

but had fun

Day 31/#27

60min yoga

sweat a lot!!

Micah joined me

YOOOOOGAAAAA!!!

2008-06-03T21:51:00.002-04:00

Loved it tonight, actually looked forward to it all day. I did 90min of power yoga....I can't really believe it, but I may become a yoga fanatic.!!!

Day 30 Workout #26

90 power yoga

sweat a lot

grabbed my big toe!!!!

Day 29, Workout 25

2008-06-02T13:15:00.002-04:00

1 month of exercising!!!!

30min free run on Wii

6.9 miles (yeah right)

sweat, fun, yeah

Monkey on my Back

2008-06-01T20:28:00.003-04:00

I didn't think I would ever say that I like exercise, but I'm finding myself actually craving it. Today I was really tired and probably should've taken a nap. Instead I went to the Y to fit in a workout before I went to the movies. I did 33 min on the elliptical and found at about 20min. in I felt that I could go on forever. I guess it gives me a little high. Now it's the readers responsibility to remind me of this feeling when I hit a rut.

Day 28 Workout 24

33 min on Elliptical Machine

Record 14:54 mile

2nd Mile 15:14

toal 2.17 miles

Dive IN!

2008-05-31T17:41:00.003-04:00

Headed to the outdoor pool at the YMCA today. It was warm enough and no rain in the clouds. Boys came along. I swam for 1/2 hr., went 1/2 mile. The boys had a lot of fun. Micah has a new love. He discovered he can dive pretty well off the board. He first did a flip and then some twist flip. He scared me and the guards with how close he came back to the board and they told him not to do that again. He wants to take lessons, so I'll look into it. I asked him how he knew how to do that twist flip and he said he learned it from wrestling. He apparently didn't heed the warning not to try that at home...or the pool.

Day 27, Workout 23

30 min swimming

love it

Like the Wind

2008-05-30T20:34:00.002-04:00

Ok I still love the Wii but today it said I ran 4.15 miles in 20min. I was fast marching in place on the free run. But I don't think there is any way I could go outside even on a flat surface and run a 5 minute mile. Anyway I worked out, I guess it was just counting my steps?

Day 26 Workout 22

33 min on Wii

26 Aerobic

7 balance

I also had a fill yesterday. Had a long conversation as to why I'm not losing weight faster. What I'm eating and how I'm working out I've been expecting to see more results. He went over some of the things I need to change. The yogurt smoothie I've been doing could be messing with my insulin levels. I've shouldn't be eating carb snacks at bedtime. And I'm not eating enough protein. I have to eat 60-70 gram a day to not send my body into starvation mode. He said I've dieted so much in my life that I'm used to that feeling. So I have to up my protein. Today was a hard eating day, uncomfortable with every meal. It's normal to be this way after a fill because there may be a little internal swelling. Lunch today I almost got sick with just 1/2c. lettuce with 3oz. of chicken. I may have just eaten to fast because we were really busy. I headed to the bathroom but didn't get sick. OK enough icky details. I'm really excited about this band finally working...I'll keep you all updated.

Single Parenting Sucks

2008-05-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

Kevin has been out of town since Tuesday doing Seminary stuff in Columbus. So I haven't had the time to work out. I survived with Deb's help. Kevin gets home today. Boys have early dismissal at 150pm, so I feel like my day off is over already. Made it to the YMCA.

Day 23-Day Off

Day 24-Extra Day Off

Day 25-Work Out 21-60min Power Yoga

Getting better at it

Sweat and Sunned outside

Feel GRRRRREATTT!!!

Day 22 Workout 20

2008-05-26T19:45:00.001-04:00

48 min on Wii
Aerobic and Balance
Gets more fun everyday!!

Anything you can do....

2008-05-25T19:49:00.002-04:00

I don't think of myself as a competitive person. But today I learned something new about myself. Went down to retrieve laundry and it wasn't done so I decided to do a little Wii Fitness. I was playing some of the balance games. There is a ski jump and even though I kept improving my rating was still amateur. I kept doing it over and over and it was pissing me off that I couldn't get more than one star. Granted I've only been skiing once in my life and that didn't go to well. I must of been 11 or 12 and some friends asked me to come ski with them. Ellen Barker and Pam somebody. They were best friends and I was the tag along. They would do things like enthusiastically ask me what I was doing Saturday, when I said nothing they would talk me into doing there paper route, so they could go have fun. Pam had a uni brow and I remember her using hairspray to tame it. SO THERE!! Anyway back to the skiing. They let me do a few passes on the bunny trail and then they took off for the bigger mountains (though this was Dayton, Ohio, not Colorado. I was too scared to go fast so I kept falling on purpose. At one point the snow smoother machine was coming and I couldn't get out of the way. So the ski patrol had to come and carry me down. Needless to say that was my last foray with snow skiing. But I will master the Wii ski jump. I will no longer be an amateur soon.

Day 21

Workout 19

Best Elliptical Ever

mile record of 14:59

2nd mile 15:11

sweat and huffed

Also 1hr. on Wii fit

I realized that you do unlock more free time as you advance

sweat a lot!!!

Trust

2008-05-24T18:28:00.003-04:00

Noah met some new neighbors today. He called me down from upstairs to meet his new friends. They are in 4th and 1rst grade. Cute little African boys named Mamadu and Alisane. We talked a little and Noah went back outside and came in seconds later asking if he could spend the night at there house. I said Noah we need to get to know their family first and Noah said, "you know them you just met them." Our boys are very social. I wish it were as easy for us adults to make friends.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

2008-05-24T18:18:00.002-04:00

Day 20
Workout 17
15min yoga and balance
15min aerobic
on the Wii
huffed and sweat

Only flaw I see is that it wont(at this point at least) let you keep going for as long as you want. So there are too many breaks in the aerobic part. But I'm unlocking new games with every workout, so maybe it just makes you start out slow.

The Best Invention Ever!!!

2008-05-23T20:18:00.004-04:00

OK I got me/the boys Wii Fit. I'm sure all of you have heard of the Wii. The Wii fit comes with a balance board. You type in your height and age. And it calculates weight, BMI and true age. Then it takes your through various balance tests and fitness tests and starts your training. It's like a virtual gym. Tonight I did step aerobics, hula hoop, hit soccer balls with my head. It was so much fun and I actually sweat more than I usually do at the YMCA. The more time you log on the more fitness activities it unlocks so you can constantly improve. I had to sneak down in the basement and "play" before the boys found out. So my true age is 48!!!, my BMI is very high, actually don't remember the number. I'll probably do this at home a few times weekly and it'll be great when were stuck inside next winter.

Day 19

Workout #16

30minutes various Wii Fit games

sweat!!

FUNNNNNN!

Seal in Your Purpose

2008-05-22T13:15:00.003-04:00

Day 18

Workout #15

60 min Power Yoga

Getting Better

Huffed

Feel Great

Keeping Up

2008-05-21T19:14:00.001-04:00

Day 15 Workout #13

Monday:30min aerobic movement in front of TV

huffed a little no sweat

Day 16 Workout #14

Tuesday:30 min. calisthenics
100 leg lifts each side
100 butt crunches each side
100 ab crunches
100 push ups (ladies way)
no sweat
no huff but felt the burn

Day 17

Wednesday Day Off

Blah!!

2008-05-18T15:14:00.002-04:00

I did workout but couldn't keep up the pace I usually do. Sounds like a lame excuse but the elliptical machine I was on seemed weird, to tihgt or something. Anyway I walked on the treadmill first and then only did a 16 min. mile on the elliptical machine.

Treadmill 14 min. 0.5 miles

Elliptical 16min. 1mile

huffed and sweat

didn't feel as good afterwards

FURNITURE!!!

2008-05-17T15:33:00.010-04:00

Got 2 couches to put in an L-shape.

One chair to make a cozy reading

corner.

Two Tables, one with couches and one with chairs.

Have some great lamps that Deb

gave me that match. Even has some

of the green color that matches trim.

Keep up the fight

2008-05-17T15:02:00.006-04:00

Okay I didn't work out yesterday, put still well within my goal to work out 3 out of 7 days. We had a whirlwind of home improvement/pest control this week. Tuesday night we came home to a bunch of roaches running around our kitchen. Last summer when that family lived with us their stuff was infested and since then we've seen baby ones in our dishwasher. But since we saw some adults and it totally grossed me out we had to call an exterminator. So we had to clear out the whole kitchen so they could spray in there. And move all items away from the perimeter in the rest of the house. So we did this Thursday and Friday. Friday eve. we had to put it all back because most of the kitchen was in our living room and we were having new living room furniture delivered Sat. am We got 2 couches, 2 end tables and a chair. On Monday the direct TV guy is coming to move the satellite wires so we can move the TV. Then we have to do rugs and lamps, paint and hang all the pictures I've had for 2 years. It'll look nice when done but for now it's a little chaotic. So is that enough excuses for not working out on Friday!

Friday Day 12

pooped out

Saturday Day 13

Work Out #11

Elliptical Machine

33min

1st mile 15:04

2nd mile 15:24

total distance 2.15miles

calories burned 425

median heart rate 133

sweat and huffed

went by quick

listened to John Legend

Gaze at your intention

2008-05-15T13:15:00.005-04:00

I did power yoga again today. I did better than the last time, but still far from being able to do the whole class and every pose. My ankles, knees really bother me and I don't want to have an injury while I'm trying to stay motivated to exercise. She has us do this breathing exercises also where we release the negative thought on exhale and inhale our intention. So I've been exhaling fat and inhaling health. You'd think I'd exhale fat and inhale skinny. But it's really not my goal. My goal is to be healthy and I know the weight will come off with that goal. A co-worker who is about 100lbs. said that she ordered some small scrub tops and they were to big, "should she keep them for me, for when I lose all my weight?" I told her no, because I'll never be a small, my goal was to be an extra large. She kind of looked at me like I was crazy. Even if (when!!)I lose 100lbs. I'll still be overweight, really probably in the obese category. But I know that will still make a huge difference in my health. I really want to be under 200lbs. Last time I did that was 1994 after Nutrisystem. I remember feeling really good, I could cross my legs. I dated (it's all relative, of course) a lot that year. At one point I had multiple "boyfriends". If you don't already know the details of that summer before I got engaged to Kevin, too bad because I'm not sharing them here. Maybe I'll share on an individual basis but not in this public forum. It was all just the journey to becoming the pure, sweet, pastor's wife that I am. ; )

Day 11 Workout #8

Power Yoga:75min

sweat a lot

wore a 2 sizes smaller workout outfit

Feel Great!!!

Aerofit

2008-05-14T18:50:00.004-04:00

Yesterday a.m I went to an aerofit listed as an aerobic and weight class for beginners. It was just my style. But I was a little embarrassed that most of the class was 70-80yr. old and in I was not outshining them. It was a good workout and I'll go back. Going to take today as my day off. Just got home from work, and I have a little swimmers ear and it's aching.

Tuesday Day 8 workout #7
45min aerobic and weights
sweat moderately

Wed. Day 9
taking off

DID IT!!!!

2008-05-12T20:45:00.003-04:00

Allright I did 6 out of 7 days exercising!!! Sunday was pretty wimpy but still counts.

Saturday:bonus 1 hr. at least of dancing
threw my hands in the air, waved em like I just didn't care
Day 5 out of 7
Sweat a lot!!

Sunday:30 min walk in place
watched TV
huffed a little
no sweat

Monday:45 min Stability Ball Class
huffed a lot
sweat a little
AND 15 minutes on elliptical machine did a 15 min mile

HUFFED AND PUFFED AND BLEW THE HOUSE DOWN!!

1 week goal met for exercising 6 out of 7 days

This eve. I also had another fill. Know I'm getting close to my "sweet spot". Can't really eat bread anymore. Also went to support group. Which was really good motivation. I am losing weight. That ticker should be on the move soon.

Like a Fish!

2008-05-10T14:44:00.003-04:00

Today was great throwback workout. Swimming is my sport. It's not very convenient but I love it. I swam 30 laps in 30 minutes, about 1/2 of a mile. Then I kept moving for another 30 minutes doing leg lifts, crunches, push ups, and lunges all in the water. The great part about that is you don't feel the fatigue until you get out of the water.

1hr. pool workout

sweat rinsed off

had fun

I brought the boys along for the first time. They have an indoor water park with lap lanes too. They played great. While I was standing doing exercises the lifeguard was blowing the whistle. Noah had climbed up on the safety wall, which I know now is against the rules. He managed to get up on it twice before the whistle got his attention. Since they blow the whistle about every 30 seconds it was an honest mistake. The lifeguard got all red in the face and was screaming from across the pool, and this wasn't even her area. She was being ridiculous. Later she even pulled Noah out of the pool and was screaming at him for the earlier offense. Well my mama bear instincts kicked in. She assumed he was without a parent, even though I was standing there playing with Jadon. I try to give the benefit of the doubt but I think she thought that I couldn't be Noah's mom and Jadon's mom because of the different race. This made me really mad. So I said excuse me, is there a problem. That's my son. She said he keeps getting up on the safety wall and going down the slide the wrong way. I told her that this was our first time at the pool and she could tell him the rules in a calmer way. She just huffed off. Apparently she realized I could take her down but preferred not to in my fancy black skirted swim attire. So I took my complaints to the front desk. Micah pointed out that she was probably just tired of the screaming crazy splashing kids. But I pointed out then she shouldn't be a lifeguard. Anyway we'll go back but I'll be keeping an eye on her.

33...33...33

2008-05-09T21:10:00.003-04:00

I did it exceeded my goal again. This time I did 2 miles in 31min, burned 407 calories and did a total of 33 min on the elliptical machine. I listened to music and tried to go faster. It felt good and even though I didn't want to go I was glad I did. Natural endorphins are a good thing.

Finish Line

2008-05-08T17:35:00.003-04:00

I exceeded my goal today by 2 mins. I did 32 min. on the elliptical machine. I did it while reading so I was slower than the other day. I did 2 miles while looking through catalogs and magazines. The time went faster but I did not.

Day 4 of 7

32 min on elliptical machine

sweat some

feel good

Day off...

2008-05-07T19:15:00.002-04:00

Just got home from work, too late to try hip hop class. So today will be my off day. My dogs are barking and it's too late to exercise.

Day 3 of 7
Day off
not sweating
woof

2008-05-06T21:30:00.000-04:00

This picture, was actually called tubby women doing yoga. I love it!!

YO(ga)

2008-05-06T21:02:00.004-04:00

I've often joked that I would love to tell people that I am a Pilate's instructor, when they ask what I do for a living. I tried it out a few months ago, with a new temp at work. She told me she was a Pilate's instructor and I said "so am I". She said "small world". And I said that was a joke, see "I don't look like a Pilate's instructor". I got a good laugh at least.
I decided to try the power yoga class. I've done Yoga off and on, mostly off for 12 years. I started back when I was trying to get pregnant, even did prenatal yoga, and even when I was pregnant with Jadon. When I asked an obgyn if I could keep doing yoga while I was pregnant. He laughed and said "you stand on your head, you break your neck". Needless to say I didn't go back to him. Anyway I've only ever done tapes and classes at the YMCA. The Y is usually safe, there are normal people there, all sizes, all ages. So I went tonight. As I arrived, they were taking their perky little selves outside, to gaze at the sun. I trotted behind, thinking does this 5 minute walk count as aerobic exercise. I put my mat down, noted I was the heaviest by at least 100 pounds and started to listen. The instructor started to roam, she came right up to me, crouched down and said "have you practiced yoga". I wanted to say I'm a Pilate's instructor, but she seemed to busy for the joke, so I just said "yes". I thought I can do this. Then she started this series of 5 poses, quickly for 5 reps. Stand up, hands to the sky, bend down, hop or walk your feet back, down to a push up, cat stretch, then downward dog, then hop your feet forward, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, start again. Ok we did this 5 times, and she said alright "that's your warm up". I let out a laugh, and tried to disguise it as a vigorous exhale. I remembered that most of the yoga I did was when I was 80pounds thinner, and a lot of the poses were physically impossible. SO I just did the best I could basically faked it. I was glad I was in the back, and then she had us pivot around, and now I'm in the front. All I can think is thank god there are no mirrors, I can't see myself. And then I realized everyone could be looking at my butt!! Oh well. Afterwards she came up and introduced herself. And said "she loved my modifications, and it's all about working at the place were in". I know what she meant but it seemed so new agey. I will go back so I can show her that even though I'll never be a size zero, I will be able to grab my big toe instead of my shins. One day I'll be able to do the full POWER YOGA, not just the YO.

Day 2 of goal of 6
Power YOGA 90mins
little sweat
felt stretched and great

Y-M-C-A

2008-05-05T18:45:00.003-04:00

Ok I did it. Joined the YMCA(thanks family) today. I did my first workout amongst mostly old people, so I felt quite speedy on the elliptical machine. My goal was 30min, but it took longer to sign up, so I didn't have time before I had to go pick up the boys from school. I'm going to keep track of my progress on this blog.

Workout: 18min. on elliptical machine

One mile: 15:42

Median pulse 133

Didn't really sweat

I'm going to try different things so I'll have a variety and not get bored. Tomorrow I think I'll try power yoga. I'd like to do something 6 days a week. But my bare minimum goal for now is 3 days a week.

Shock Collar:the story of my latest fill

2008-05-02T20:13:00.009-04:00

Ok, is this really what I wanted? I got another fill on Thursday I'm up to 8ml out of 14. But I found out that you can actually fill past 14 if needed. In fact the rep that sells the band told the nurse working with me that they have filled it up to 100ml and it didn't rupture. So I think I'm really close to my sweet spot. I'm getting major restriction with the food that the told me to expect to have trouble with pizza, breads, soft or sticky stuff.
I think I just ate my last piece of pizza. I had it about an hour ago and I feel like I ate the whole pizza. It starts as just a heartburn feeling but continues on to a bloated, burping, back pain festival. This is what I have been waiting for? Forced will power as I have been calling it. I know I can't sustain will power on my own, so this is my goal.
But I'm sad that I won't be able to eat pizza or a Krispe Kreme donut or a bagel or a muffin again. As I write this I know it sounds ridiculous...why should I be sad over food? But those of you who have the relationship I do with food; the people who live to eat not eat to live, will understand me. This begining time is a training time and I'll have to learn a whole new way to eat. It's the change that I need to do, but the surgery alone is just the begining. I think I'll head back in to counseling soon to deal with the issues other than food. My body image, my abuse of food, my self sabatoge. All I can say is, it's damn time. And most days I'm ready.

Pulling out my grey hairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-21T21:04:00.004-04:00

Someone should really warn people about how hard parenting can be. You really just focus on the physical exhaustion in the beginning. The sleepless nights, diapers and constant vigilance. So in some ways it gets easier. Most nights they don't wake me up anymore. But today Micah got a note sent home saying "Micah seems to have lost focus lately, anything going on I should know about?" This is from the teacher who we have had ongoing conversations about, Micah's mood, ADD etc. She disagrees with us and thinks he just lacks motivation. Now we've spent about $1000 and many hours. We have recommendation letters from a psychiatrist, psychologist and a pediatrician that say he needs educational testing and an IEP. Soooo when the teacher says anything going on that I should know about....I want to say" yeah, you know that testing we asked for months ago, we still need it!!!! "So in his journal I wrote, just the same issues we've been dealing with for months! But then I wrote a formal letter to the principal, teacher, counselor and school psychologist once again requesting educational testing.

Then Noah tells me that he missed recess because he talked back. And when I told him he couldn't do that or I'd ground him from after school play. He proceeded to say he wished the recess helpers were dead and I was dead. So everything he's asked me for this eve. my response has been, "dead mom's can't tie balloons, dead moms can't get you a drink, dead moms can't get you a snack. "So he says "you talk about dead too much." Maybe he got the point.

And then to top it all off Noah and Jadon decided to water the dirt. They came in covered in mud. And since Jadon knew he was going to get in trouble, he didn't bother to come in and go to the bathroom, so I was cleaning up mud and poop. What a mess.

I say to Kevin someone should have told us how hard parenting is. And his response is "we have a lot easier then some parents....and a lot harder then others.(pure Kevin wisdom) Pretty soon they'll be headed off to college and we'll be missing them. "I couldn't help but add "or to prison!!"

A short story about my sparkling Colon

2008-04-18T14:13:00.001-04:00

The Colonoscopy.

I’m only almost 37 and though I’d encourage you to take advantage of preventative health screening. Nurses are not good patients. In January of 2007 I got the flu which lead to Pneumonia and in the midst of coughing up my lungs, I managed to bulge out my birth induced hemorrhoids.
Man if you have em you know how annoying they are and most people need to use that "area" at least once a day. I feared using that" area" and even though I have a tendency to be anal retentive-I did not feel the need to do that literally.
I spent a few monthly appt. With my regular dr. telling me I had to have a Colonoscopy. I kept refusing telling her the bleeding is just hemorrhoids and the colonoscopy was not going to fix it. And the prep in itself may make them worse. She sent a referral to the GI dr. anyway and I spent months ignoring the nurse’s calls. I kept telling myself it’s just hemorrhoids, it’s just hemorrhoids.
About a year later I couldn’t take it anymore and that combined with my dr. throwing out the C word (cancer). I finally made the appt. with the GI dr. We had a lovely conversation about how we are all born with hemorrhoids and they are annoying and the difference between internal and external hemorrhoids. It was quite enlightening. He had lovely visual effects. A spliced body picture. It was an unusually long conversation for a surgeon. He actually made eye contact. I left thinking he really must love his work, and how interesting that is since his focus is hemorrhoids.
How can a person really have a passion for bleeding buttholes. That’s true dedication.
So the day arrives, I’m thinking hey dr. it’s just hemorrhoids, but I do the god awful prep and show up at a god awful hour. He puts me out, I don’t remember a thing.
He took my rectal virginity and I don’t remember a thing. I’m coming out of the haze and I hear his distinct accent. "There are no polyps, no lesions it is just hemorrhoids. I’m in a haze so just say ok, but my mind is screaming....I’ve been telling everyone that for a year, thank you very much.
The next week I get a call...his nurse says he wants to see my in the office. I’m thinking oh shit he sent away something and it’s not only hemorrhoids. I have a flash back of the c word.
So I go in I tell him I’m learning to deal with the hemorrhoids...I’m taking miralax and it’s a miracle drug. I don’t have to be afraid of pooping pain any more. He gets real serious and has a warning for me. He says "Miralax is polyethylene glycol and polyethylene glycol is also in antifreeze. So please do not get those two mixed up, because Antifreeze is poison, it is not good for you." I pause and look at him and think did you really get a good glimpse of my true self on the journey through my colon? Because I’m proud to say I have common sense and I’m a nurse. He makes eye contact again and I see a smile coming to his face. His first smile. I laughed and thought. What a good man, a good man who can make a joke even though he has to deal with pains in the ass all day.

too long

2008-04-18T14:02:00.002-04:00

I find myself fluctuating between thinking this is never going to work..and telling myself to relax about the whole situation. I got my band filled again yesterday so I'm up to 6.5ml. Every time she has told me now you may only be able to do liquids for the next 24 hr. and if you can't eat within 48 hr. come back for an unfill. Well that's not happening. I feel mostly normal. I can still eat 3 meals a day and snack in the evening. I know I am eating less, but I'm just maintaining the previous weight loss.

On the other hand. There was a women in the waiting room who had her surgery Feb. 2007 and has lost 90lbs. And she said this is what you'll look like next year. So I know I'm just being inpatient but I'm so excited for this surgery to start working.

My sister Kelly said I should start writing everyday. But unless you want a food journal or gas counter that's not going to happen. But I will start to write more often an maybe not always about surgery etc. There are no blogging rules I guess.

Fill er Up...unleaded please

2008-04-05T17:27:00.003-04:00

So I had my second fill on Thursday. They put in 1ml for a total of 5ml..or a teaspoon. I notice a difference but not dramatic. The surgeon said if I keep losing weight I don't have to be adjusted again until I get the signs I'm not full enough. I met with the other surgeon this week he was really nice and kept calling me a "superstar". He also offered to help me put my shoes back on which I thought was a very nice gesture and no one has ever done for me before. But when your overweight it is really hard to bend over and tie shoes etc. If you look around you'll notice most overweight people wear slip ons.

Regarding my weight ticker I haven't updated it because I'm fluctuating between 314 and 318. The past few weeks are my normal weeks to hold water due to taking my hormones. So I'm not stressing over it. My pants were literally falling off today, even my underwear!! So I know it's working. I'll move my weight ticker down when I consistently weigh less than 314.

So that's it for now. Remember I check my comments everyday and love when I get them. If you don't want to get a blogger id, just click anonymous and sign your name in the comment itself.

Uncensored

2008-03-25T18:37:00.003-04:00

Because letting it all out is really the purpose of this blog...I can't let a comment go that a friend said to me almost 48 hr. ago. And even if she reads this I still need to blog about it. It's relevance to how my brain works is the real reason, not for any embarrassment, or wanting an apology etc.
Anyway she said "you look the same". Silly I know, nothing mean like "you're still really fat". I have had at least a dozen people say they can tell I'm losing weight. And I can tell I'm losing weight, my clothes are looser. I feel better. My scale proves it. 17lb. in one month. That's really good and I'm not even adjusted all the way. So I know I'm doing a good job. But that one negative comment festered in my brain and turned into "you're a failure, it's not working, it's not going to work, you'll always be fat, your not losing weight." I don't know why those negative thoughts float around in my brain like that. I don't even think twice about the positive things people have said.
As I sit here, I'm remembering other mean things people have throughout my life... as an adult ,a group of teenagers at a library warning me not to pop my tires, or "eat" all those books in one sitting...6th grade a boy walked by my desk and unprovoked says "your fat"...Ms. Ann the bufonted dance teacher taking my measurements in front of all the kids saying "you need to be more like her",pointing to the kid who was skin and bones, my childhood nickname...bushel butt while my sisters was bony maroney. Those things stick with me and may be part of the reason I've held on to this weight. I'd come to believe all those thoughts, that I failed, that I can't lose the weight. So I know it's much more about then food I eat. It's also about the thoughts I think.
So no matter what the comments are, mean or just unintended or thoughtless...I know that I control what it turns into in my head. Just like I'm learning to control what I put in my mouth. I'll be learning new things to put in my head also. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I'm ready.

Filled

2008-03-21T16:58:00.003-04:00

Ok first an exercise update...there is an excuse for not walking down the road for 30 minutes. Torrential downpour of rain. So that made me miss Tues and Wed. But Tuesday I walked in place while watching TV. So Wednesday will be my day off. My goal is to exercise for 30 minutes 6 days a week. Just walking for now.

I got my band filled yesterday. It was painless quick procedure. My band holds 14ml, 15ml is a tablespoon. She put in 4ml (5ml is a teaspoon). She said I may feel tight for 24-48 hr. so should be careful. For dinner I made lemon chicken, green beans and noodles. I think I had normal serving sizes, not what I would normally eat, but what it says is a serving on the package, and I did not get hungry. Today I had cereal for breakfast, Cici's buffet (salad and pizza) for lunch. And I still feel normal. I'm not noticing any difference. I'm wondering if the actual tube to the port holds 4ml so this would mean the balloon isn't even inflated. Anyway I'll get filled every 2 weeks until I'm adjusted well.

Dreams

2008-03-17T19:35:00.002-04:00

In my dreams, I am a runner. No I'm not running from someone. Just running for exercise. I'm really good at it and I don't even get winded. I really do think that is a dream. I don't aspire to be a runner. I'm more of a treadmill walker, or that elliptical machine, I love that. I don't really like the thought of exercising, or doing it, just really like it to be done. But because I'm committed to this weight loss. And even more, not having to follow up with any cosmetic surgery. I have to exercise. So I started today...just walked for 30 min. on my lunch break at work. It worked I got winded. When I came in asked my boss if he wanted to go get some lunch. He asked if I was OK? Since I was panting, that was a good observation. I said no I'm good, I meant to do that. He remembered my love of swimming and suggested I take that up again....that's kind of hard to do on the lunch break, in winter. So for now, I'm just going to walk, maybe I'll join the YMCA or swim this summer. But you really can't give too many excuses why you can't just walk down the road for 30 min. 6 days a week. So I did for one day. I'm glad that's over....tomorrow I'll try again.